They/Them, Free Will, and Magnificent Ruins
Our freedom to choose
“A gentle reminder,” she wrote to her grandfather, “my pronouns are they/them, and I am not a young lady.”
As her grandfather, having been there both when she was born and when her father was born, and having two sons and two daughters of his own, he knows exactly what she is. And he grieves for her as she rejects not only her own identity as a human being, but as a child of God and all that He created her to be.
What to do? How to relate to this person he loves deeply? She is his flesh and blood.
An acquaintance remarks to him, “She’ll just tell you that things have changed.”
Some things have. Some have not.
Tell your children, never mind your grandchildren, that you are older than Google, and they may be shocked. Those of us who remember when the year started with a “19” instead of “20” know many things that have changed… and many that have not.
When we are young, though, we believe that everything that existed before we were born is up for grabs, and that whatever our friends believe must be reality.
Other than life itself, and coming Himself to the cross to deal with our sin, the greatest gift God has given us may be our free will.
He occasionally shields us from the consequences when we use that freedom badly, but He will eventually allow us to bear even the consequences of rejecting Him, if that is our choice.
But our freedom to choose is not in question.
Free will offers the ability to change some things, but not others. I can change my clothes, my name, my hair color, my location, my job, my language, how I earn a living, where I live, what I believe, what I say, what I do. All those choices have consequences, including how people see me, treat me, and choose the relationships they have with me.
But free will only enables me to change what I do, not what I am.
So the young lady is perfectly free to declare that she is not a lady, but she cannot change being a woman.
How can we build and maintain healthy, reality-based relationships with those who
have accepted the new definition of “gender,”
believe the new deception that gender and sex can be different,
believe that feelings determine reality, and
therefore, looking through those very distorted glasses, they have decided to be what they are not?
It is worse than that, of course.
They may also be persuaded that:
they can change the meaning of words as needed, including words like ‘they,’ ‘them,’ and ‘woman’;
they can make up new nouns and pronouns as desired;
the rest of the world around them must use the new meanings and the new words as they demand; and
any refusal or failure to participate in this practice must not be allowed, because it is by definition driven by disrespect or hatred — it could not possibly be a matter of simple disagreement.
Since communication depends on a common understanding of the meaning of words, this wreaks havoc on the ability of loved ones to have normal conversation with them, much less to have real discussion about these issues.
Back to the question: What to do, to love them without supporting the delusion?
For Christians, I can offer a perspective. If you are not yet a follower of Jesus, what follows will perhaps make no sense to you, and you are welcome to go on to the next article that interests you.
But for those following Jesus:
We are all magnificent ruins, as someone has put it, created to be bearers of the image of God, but completely corrupted by our idolatries — our desire to worship ourselves and any number of other things, such as power, money, influence, pleasure, etc, and those idolatries have filled our lives with anger, resentment, greed, hatred, lust, lying, unfaithfulness, etc. It’s an ugly picture.
It began in the Garden, and the poison still runs through our veins.
At the cross, God broke the power of those idolatries, which are the drivers of all the sin in our lives, and at the resurrection Jesus then broke the power of death itself. We — everyone, the whole human race — are now free to give ourselves to Him, instead of to the darkness that has enslaved us until now. The chains are broken, we are truly free to choose. We have free will, at last.
Then at Pentecost, the Holy Spirit was poured into those who give their lives to Jesus, and that continues to this day. With that gift, we receive what Jesus called the second birth, the spiritual birth, as true children of the Father, brothers and sisters of the first-born, Jesus himself. We are born again, into a new life.
So God is the one who brings us each from darkness to life, and from being enslaved to what is false to what is true, even to Truth Himself. We could not do it ourselves, and we cannot do it for other people. The door of “free will” only has a handle on the inside, and we each open that door to God, to truth, to reality … or we don’t.
The grandfather cannot choose reality for his granddaughter. Only she can.
As Jesus-followers, then, our role is to offer everyone the invitation to “join the party,”1 help them understand the amazing gift that has been offered to them, and, for those who accept the invitation, come alongside to support and encourage them in their new life. The invitation is called “the gospel,” and the ongoing helping is called “discipleship.”
As an example, Teen Missions helps people whose lives are completely broken, and who are ready to give God a chance to save them from their own disasters. Miraculous recoveries are daily events. In truth, we are all beyond the ability to save ourselves, and need His intervention.
So all we can do for those we love, who are making terrible mistakes, is to share the invitation and encourage them to choose the light instead of running deeper into the darkness.
That’s our role in the human domain, in our physical and social relationships. But we have another weapon to use on their behalf, acting in the domain of the spiritual forces that drive all human activity. The apostle Paul explains it in the last chapter of his letter to Ephesus, in the New Testament. It is in that arena that we can most effectively stand against the seducing powers trying to destroy their lives, and provide strength to supplement their weakness.
But the choice is still theirs.
If we choose to continue wearing the reality-shattering glasses of our chosen ideologies, demanding that reality bow to our self-worshiping feelings, and refuse to say to God, “Thy will be done,” C.S. Lewis predicts that eventually God will say to us, “Thy will be done.”2 And there will be no place for us in Creation, when it is finally transformed to be what was originally designed.
So love them, and come alongside them as much as they will allow you to. Pray for them, offer counsel if it is welcome, and do battle for them in the heavenly places.
Perhaps most of all, remembering your own foolish decisions, come with complete respect and honor for their free will, which is just as sacred as yours.
N.T. Wright, “Surprised by Hope”, Harper Collins, 2008, p 227
C.S. Lewis, “The Great Divorce,” Macmillan Publishing, 1946, p 72